Young Forever

There are other things I would rather be doing than sitting here writing a blog. I would prefer to be outside. Riding the horses would be choice. Running a few miles would be pretty awesome too. Or maybe a nice, long hike in the mountains with friends would make my day. Not to mention a good snowboarding trip has been calling my name for a few years now. I've been getting bored with my life, and I know it's because I've needed to start shifting my focus from victim to overcomer. So I've decided to start actively looking for ways to enjoy a life accommodating to my arthritis ridden body. Finding arthritis friendly things to do was once a highly depressing aspect to my RA. I felt like such an old lady no matter what I tried to do, but now I'm actually starting to get excited about the new world of outlets I'm beginning to discover. For example, I am surprised to find I actually enjoy math lectures. I may even be getting a tutor just for the fun of it. No pressure, just learning crap to learn it can be an amazing thing. With that outlook, I actually enjoy finding the limit of a function and the idea of expanding my knowledge in just about anything. Photography, music, and yes even blogging are 2nd and 3rd choice things slowly becoming my first. I may even take up painting again. Simply put, the way I used to exercise my physical body for a challenge and sense of accomplishment, I am now aiming to do with my mind. Wish me luck!

You have most likely listened to me gripe about my nurse, so you will be happy to hear I now have a new nurse--and I really like her! I feel confident she cares about her job, and she doesn't make me feel like I'm stupid when I ask questions. She actually reads my chart, and writes down what I'm saying. What a concept! She also seems to get that just because I'm pushing myself daily, and still working doesn't mean I'm necessarily ok. This is the first time I've felt someone in the medical community actually understands this. Lots of people do what they have to do regardless of how they feel-- and my joints and muscles are showing the wear an tear of me doing just that for so long. I'm glad to have someone paying attention to the fact that what I do is not a reflection of how well I'm doing. She is trying to bump me up to different approaches to treatment, and that rocks my world. So maybe now I will be getting somewhere.

On a side note, men: I'm very frustrated. Maybe I expect too much from you, but from the way the last relationship went, I don't think so. The phone works both ways. (However, if I don't get back with you, it's safe to bet I am not interested. So please spare the continual attempts to win me over.) AND If I AM contacting you in any way, please realize it's taking a lot of effort on my part, and that I probably have a lot of respect for you. I don't bother with men I don't respect. Have some patience. Chivalry isn't dead. I appreciate a gentleman. I'm not the best choice of women right now. I admit that, and all men are not the same, but today I feel they are. "If you've ever loved someone put your hands up." Hands down, I've been there, but I've learned to hold out for the one who will love me too.

One way or another, everything important to me has fallen through my finger tips like grains of sand. My decisions and the decisions of those around me have brought me to count as loss all sense of control over life: financial stability, trust in friends, faith in God, an amazing love life, and good health. Feeling of worth to anyone and anything--it's all blown up in my face once or twice. The only sense of peace I gain from my life now is that all I've held dear has been ripped from my life, and I still have breath in my lungs. Which leads me to believe there must be something more to my life than I thought before. Whatever it is, I know it will be good regardless of my circumstances. I know early into this new year, that my life is good, and that I won't let my spirit die young.