Sunday, February 27, 2011


I've felt a lot of sorrow this weekend. It's awkward knowing my sorrow is what makes me human just as much as my joy makes me who I am. So in the words of Alanis, "How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out?"

Tonight I watched Cinderella, (the 1950 cartoon) and I pathetically cried all the way through to the end. I had to come to terms with the fact that, even though I would never admit it, I had a dream once to belong to a man who picked me and chose me above all other women. And like the expired pumpkin trampled under horse foot at midnight, my dream was trampled beyond recognition. It's not like I'm the only woman who has come to this place in her life. Perhaps even over and over again, we return to our cinderella dreams only to end up with the cruel reality that not one of them has ever come true.

This weekend has been hard, as I've been wiped out for most of it; literally sleeping for more than 3/4 of it. I had an IV treatment on Friday that is always such and energy suck. Now it's Sunday night, and I'm finally feeling ok. Just in time for the work week. I do resent that. (Just a little.) Will there be a day I have energy for loved ones and friends? Hobbies? A life? I'm 24, I want my life.

I will be going to the Mayo Clinic in March. My Rheumatologist is admittedly stumped as to why I'm not responding well to any of the treatments, and is hoping the Mayo Clinic may be able to find some new ideas. I hate when a doctor says,

"new ideas."

I've gathered over the years that is just a fancy way of a doctor to say he thinks more is wrong with you than first thought. I feel I'm in the denial stage of grief. I honestly don't think I can handle another diagnoses. The one I have is hard enough. Even so, additional medical problems are now being considered, and I'm off to see the "Dr. House" of medicine in just a few short weeks.

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