Today is a bitter anniversary of something in years past I won't repeat here. Next week will come the day I will have been divorced 1 year. I've often wished I could do better than I do with such vomitous anniversaries. Yet, I've realized how they come back with a vengeance when I do nothing but try harder and harder to forget about them.
With each painful, unsettled memory, I feel the monsters of my nightmares have successfully captured me. I'm convinced the only thing to do is wake up and talk myself out of their terror. Lately, I've literally been sweating out, freaking out, and at times going a little deranged. I've embarrassed myself through all this, but I don't regret any of it. I don't regret facing my demons even when they scare me beyond composure.
I don't feel I'm totally safe yet. I still wake up at night scared, trembling, and in tears; and like a frightened child, I often catch myself looking over the shoulder of my mind's eye. Yet, I've started to entertain it all as the darkness before the dawn. The words of a friend recently compelled me into such a new outlook,
"You know there is nothing to be afraid of"
The anniversaries of my life are no more a reality to me than a really bad dream. They can't hurt me anymore. Because of that, I know one day I will rest again. Like when a child finds the courage to sleep again, I know I will one day be brave enough to live soundly and without fear.
Honesty through this tunnel is the best way to get through it. When you are sad be sad when you can't don't. But let others be there for you too. I don't want you to isolate. You are loved, my friend.
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