Arthritis Woes & Retrieverbabies

Today feels like a blog day. More like an emotional vomit day, but whatever.

It's no secret I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, and that I've had a hard battle with it. Why it's been so resistant to treatment and aggressive with me, I don't know. And as I will likely be resorting to chemo (IV) this year, (which is a step up from what I've already been doing) I have become more discouraged and frightened about my future than ever. At times, when I am at the mercy of pain with no end in sight, I feel like a torture victim who may never fully recover emotionally and mentally from their experience.

And for those of you who have asked, painkillers don't cut the pain. Unless I want to be totally doped up, unable to do anything, I have to live with pain. I used to wonder why people resort to heroin for pain relief. Now I know: I'm losing hope in the advances of modern day medicine, and with each day of nothing to look to, I feel I'm losing my mental and emotional integrity.

Eventually I will find a way to cope with this disease regardless of what physical improvements I make. Plus, already being well aware of the hell brought on by a life of drugs, I can pretty much gurantee my hope and cope won't be heroin. (Makin momma proud.)

I know things will get better. In fact, if I really think about it, I can elaborate on how they are getting better. the fact that people have stepped up to the plate in my life to show me they care has been awesome. I never thought the support I've received from various friends and family existed. I guess now would be the time to start mentioning names but if you listened to me cry, or held me through the pain this year--you know who you are! Thank you.

The lemons of my RA have been a bitter bunch to make lemonade out of, but with the help of others I'm trying--and I'm trying hard--to stay positive. I am looking to make 'lemonade' through Assistance Dogs Of The West; finding the right puppy and training my own service dog. This will serve twofold. Not only will I have the new outlet in life of training my own dog and having its help, (My old outlet being running like crazy, which I can no longer do) I will also hopefully be able to train dogs for other disabled people.

This endeavor has not been without it's own setbacks. Today, I am slightly miffed that the litter I've been waiting a year for, has gone totally to politics of the dog show world. However, the more I get my hands dirty in the big bad world of purebred retrievers, the more I am determined to get the best stinkin dog out there. AND it's all the more appreciative and proud I am of the beautiful, healthy retriever I already have. Don't you worry, the right puppy will come in time! And you can bet that milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard.